One of life's hardest lessons to learn is that you can only change yourself.

Some people spend inordinate amounts of time and energy upset, angry, or frustrated by other people's thoughts and behaviors.

But to what end? You can rail against the rain or feel sanguine about the snow, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Why should we, by default, believe we can change another person's ― an independent, thinking self just like us ― behaviors and thoughts with just a few choice words? If you think about it for a minute, it sounds kind of ridiculous.

Yet we don't think about it when we have an emotional reaction to someone else's behavior or words. We say things like, "How could they say such a thing!" or "How can anyone be so rude!?" or "Don't they know how much they hurt me? Why do they do that?!"

We often react in this way because our emotions are a part of most people's innate decision-making skills. We react and respond emotionally to emotional needs of our own, rather than in a logical, rational manner. So when someone touches one of these emotional needs, we can respond in a way that may not make a whole lot of sense to an outside observer.

What you can do, just once, is to make a polite request for another to stop the behavior that you find frustrating, annoying or disturbing. But that's it, just once (or maybe twice, if you feel the person really didn't hear or understand the initial request). After that, you just become a nag and will be ignored. Repeating something over and over again doesn't suddenly make people more aware of themselves, it just makes them aware of how annoying you can be.

There's no magic to stopping trying to change other people's behavior. Catch your thoughts (by writing them down in a journal or blog, for instance) when you find yourself saying something like, "I wish she wouldn't do.." or "I can't believe he thinks that…" ― things like that. Making a note of it, mental or otherwise, allows you to pause your automatic thinking before you jump to the next step in your response (which is usually to say something to the person).

If you've already said something, now's the time to stop and go no further. Unless you're the other person's parent, they've probably already heard it and may have even tried stopping the behavior. Hearing it again isn't going to suddenly change their behavior.

People can spend weeks, months and in some cases years in psychotherapy working on changing their thoughts or behaviors. That's because such change often takes that long to understand, practice, and then implement. Behaviors most important to others are also likely behaviors that are important to ourselves and not readily changed, even if we wanted to. They sometimes are integrated part of another's personality or way of thinking about and looking at the entire world.

So save yourself some frustration today and try to learn to stop trying to change others. Focus instead on changing your own faults and you may find yourself living a happier and more peaceful life.

我们能改变的只有自己

人的一生中最难课程之一是意识到我们能改变的只能是自己。

有很多人花了大把的时间和精力因为他人的想法和行为而感到心烦、生气甚至泄气。

但是结果又如何呢？我们可以抱怨下雨，或者憧憬下雪，但是却什么都做不了。那我们凭什么因为其他人的行为及只用少数词语表达的观点而希望他们改变呢？他们和我们一样都是独立的、有自己的想法的。如果我们稍微这样想一下，就会觉得自己很可笑。

但是事实上当我们背他人的行为及言辞刺激时，往往不会考虑到这方面。我们只会抱怨"他们怎么可以这么说！""怎么可以这么无理！""难道他们不知道他们对我的伤害有多深吗？怎么可以这样做？！"

我们的反应往往是这样的，和大部分人一样，我们的情绪反应都是天生的。我们往往不会很有逻辑性、很理性而是从自己情感出发做出反应。所以当有人触及了这些情感需要中的某一方面时，我们往往不能从旁观者的角度做全面的考虑。

我们所能做的只是礼貌地请对方不要再做出我们认为会使我们泄气、厌烦或者不安的行为。但是仅仅只是这一次（当然如果我们觉得对方没有真正明白我们的初衷，2次3次也可以 ... (全文...)